


I promise you i did believe, that we would last like evergreens

by dogsbreath



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Episode: s02e01 In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part 1, Episode: s02e02 In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part 2, First Love, Hurt No Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:41:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29147634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogsbreath/pseuds/dogsbreath
Summary: Sam reminisces, and Josh fights for his life.
Relationships: Josh Lyman & Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman/Sam Seaborn
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	I promise you i did believe, that we would last like evergreens

If you were to ask him in college, what he’d be doing twenty years down the line, he would said he’d be married to Josh Lyman and working at the White House. Sam wonders now, as he watches Josh talk to Donna, where he and Josh went wrong. 

Because they were so good together, clicked in a way that never made sense to Sam but worked better than he could ever imagine working with someone else. How did those late night debates turn into the looks from across the office that made Sam’s heart hurt. 

He loves working with Josh, loves the reminder that he has someone who he can work so well with. But the reminder is more often than not a double edged sword, slicing him just when he thought he could forget. But Sam could never forget the way Josh’s hands felt on his body, never forget the taste of his lips or the way it sounded when he whispered his name. 

There are days where he can’t look at Josh without being reminded of the glaring fact that he had Josh once upon a time, but doesn’t anymore. Like a neon sign so bright you’d have to be blind to miss it, that little whisper reminding him that he misses Josh in a way he’s never missed anyone. He can’t go home and tell Josh he loved him, can’t touch him without needing a reason to, not anymore. 

The thing that slaps him in the face, that makes him stare at the ceiling wondering what the fuck went so wrong between them, is that Sam had truly thought they’d last forever, that Sam would be with Josh until they were old and gray and ready to say goodbye on their terms. But that never happened. The nice thing, their good thing, crashed and burned and ended on a chilly night in late January. It burned to ashes in the middle of the snow falling around them, turning into a dust that only flew around Sam when he barely managed to suppress his instinct to kiss Josh, because Josh said something so incredibly mundane, but so incredibly smart. 

Has to repress the urge to kiss him in the middle of his office because he can’t do that anymore, doesn’t have the right to, no matter how well they fit. And they fit so well, like two puzzle pieces made for each other, their differences and similarities complimenting each other in a way Sam had never experienced before in his life. They work so well together that all it does is make the question of how they ended echo in his head. Because no matter what Sam wanted, they’d lost their chance, lost their time, their moment, and no matter how much he wanted it, he knows they’ll never get it back. 

He wonders what he did in a past life, to give him such a shitty punishment. What he did that made God, or whoever the hell sat up there watching them, decide that Sam deserved this, to decide that _Josh_ deserved this. Because Josh was many things, but he didn’t deserve this 

Months and months of looks that Sam knows Josh catches, of their hands brushing, of the charged energy between them that makes Sam feel alive, pass, when Josh gets shot. 

Sam feels like his whole world stops, as his ears ring, drowning out Tobys calls for an ambulance, and his mouth goes dry, and in the back of his mind, he remembers a time when they never had to worry about getting shot, of times when Josh wasn’t dying on the pavement in front of them. 

He follows Josh on the gurney until he reaches the OR, until Sam isn’t allowed to be with Josh anymore. He waits in the silent, sterile waiting rooms that make him feel dirty in comparison, drinking out of styrofoam cups that make his teeth itch. 

When Josh does get out of surgery, Sam goes to see him. He looks like crap, like he needs a good shower, but he’s a pale gray, looking more and more lifeless the longer Sam watched him. He takes a seat next to him, and reaches over to grab his hand. 

They’re cold, and Sam doesn’t remember a time when Josh was ever cold. Remembers moments in the dead of winter where he’d grab Josh’s hand simply becuase he knew it’d be warm, and he knew he wouldn’t be turned away from that warmth. And he wants that back, wants— _needs_ Josh to pull through, becuase he needs Josh in his life. 

He falls asleep with his hands held tightly in his, and when he wakes up a few hours later, Josh is watching him gentle through half lidded eyes, his hand held tightly in Josh’s. Sam takes some comfort in the fact that he never let go. 

The sight of Josh’s eyes settle some of the fear swirling his brain, like water in a drain. He manages a small smile, but his breath catches at the look in Josh’s eyes, one he hadn’t seen since they were young and stupid to the idea that they’d ever be anything but stupidly in love with each other. 

Sam gently takes Josh’s hand in both of his, and leans closer to the bed, bringing his hand to his mouth. He presses a soft kiss to his fingertips, and Josh’s grip tightens on his hand. Sam shuts his eyes briefly, thanking the same god he cursed that he didn’t take Josh. He almost lost Josh, and Sam doesn’t know a world without Josh. 

“I..” Sam starts, tilting his head to look at him. He can’t find a way to put what he’s feeling, what he’s thinking, into the right words. Cant find a way to tell Josh how much he loves him, how he never fell out of love with him, how scared he was when he saw josh tip over on the pavement. 

“I.. I really thought we were going to last forever,” he whispered. 

He watched a tear slip out of Josh‘s left eye. Josh stayed quiet, waiting for Sam to finish, becuase he knows sam is trying to get his brain in order. 

All Sam does is look over at him, with tears welling in his eyes. “Why didn’t we last?” he asked quietly. 

Josh tightened his grip on Sams hands, using it wipe away a tear that fell down Sams cheek. 

“Right person... Wrong time,” Josh murmured. “I thought i’d marry you.” 

Sams entire body froze, and Josh heard his breath catch, watched as he tried and failed to prevent the sob that ripped form his throat. 

“Why can’t you?” 

Josh cant answer, becuase he knows that if he could drop everything, and be the one who slides a ring onto Sams finger, he’d do it in a heartbeat. But their job, their life.. it’s too complicated. Too much is going on for them to be able to do that, no matter how much either of them want it. 

Sam stands, dropping Josh’s hand, and bracing himself to lean over Josh with one hand on the bed, and the other moving up to his cheek. He swiped his thumb over Josh’s cheekbone softly, resting their foreheads together. He bumped their noses together, like the way they used to in college, before pressing his lips to Josh’s softly. Josh’s hand tangles in his dress shirt, and when Sam pulls away, he’s crying. 

“I.. I love you,” Josh whispered into the silence that enveloped them. Sam let go of Josh, standing up completely. It took every bit of will power he had to not lean back down and kiss him. 

“I love you too,” Sam whispers, after a moment. 

When he turns around and starts walking away, he can practically hear both of their hearts breaking as he leaves the room. 

Toby catches him in the hallway, and holds his shoulder so he actually stops. “Hey,” he greeted, looking him over. 

Panic sweeps his face when he sees the tears in Sams eyes. 

“Is he awake? Why are you crying?” 

Sam wipes his tears, shaking his head. “He’s... He’s awake.” 

“Then why are you crying?” He asks, raising an eyebrow. His posture relaxes, and Sam can barely hold back his tears. 

“Because i think i just broke up with him for good.” 

“Sam...” Toby whispered, and Sam shakes his head. 

“He’s the right person, Toby, just the—“

“Wrong time?” Toby finished. Sam nodded, and then motioned to Josh’s room. 

“Go, he needs you more than I do right now.”


End file.
